Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Randomize
