The best revenge is premature balding
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
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