then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
