if only i could text you this smell
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
bring money and cleavage
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
