I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
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