Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Randomize
