It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
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