Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize