So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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