Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize