Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
