We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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