It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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