Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
