this just has baby written all over it
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
