ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
