If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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