I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
