3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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