You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
