first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
