It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
