yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Randomize
