I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
