I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
you will always have a special place in my vag
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
