Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
