maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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