i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
im on a boat
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