I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
