Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
