The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
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