your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
