I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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