come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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