How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
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