Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
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