Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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