i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
it's like iHOP with fire
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Randomize
