Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I can't put those talents on a resume
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Randomize
