Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Randomize
