3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
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