When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
