He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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