youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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