So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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