Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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