I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
