What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
