Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
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