i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Randomize
