The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
