i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
