I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
