Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
