I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Randomize
