He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Randomize
