im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
