3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
