dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
