and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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