someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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