Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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