The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize
