Just fell off a train. Bad.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Randomize
