Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
