You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize