How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
